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I lost my dog just over 2 weeks ago. I am having trouble processing my feelings. Noodles was my life for just over 7 years, he was 10 years old and was a beautiful, big black greyhound. He had been ill for a while, but the previous week, after lost of tests, they found he was having heart and kidney issues, as well as nodules in his liver which we already knew about. He was prescribed medication and was so much brighter and happier. The vet was optimistic that he could have around another year.

So I started making plans of things we could do together, I had his euthanasia planned - I wanted the vet to come to my house so he could go quietly in his own bed. I was not expecting it to happen any time soon.

On 19th September, in the evening, he yelped once, when he moved, but seemed settled lying on my bed so I assumed he had just moved uncomfortable and dismissed it. Then a little later I offered him his food which he ignored. So I tried him with baby food, he ate that with enthusiasm so again, I was not too concerned. But then, he seemed a little uncomfortable so I touched (not pressed) his belly and he screamed. I called the out of hours vet who said to bring him down. I was still not too worried and assumed he would be checked and given pain killers and sent home.

The vet took his history and was fairly blunt, she said from a previous scan, she suspected cancer, so she took him for an ultrasound and told me to wait at home. She called me back later to say it was bad news and to come in to discuss it. So I went back, she said there was a tumour in his spleen that was bleeding, she even showed me the syringe filled with blood. She said there were no painkillers that would make him comfortable and although I could take him home for one last night, he may bleed out suddenly.

So I made the decision to let him go. She said I could take him for a walk first - he had been sedated for the scan and so was not in pain, but he was not really there. He usually loved to be outside but did not seem interested. He also loved the car, so I opened up the boot and he jumped in like there was nothing wrong. I had called my boss to let him know and so he came over to say goodbye. Then we went back into the hospital and he went peacefully at about 2am on 20th September.

But I dont seem to be grieving right - or not at all, I don't seem to have any emotions. I can talk about Noodles clinically, and am constantly looking at his photos but it does not feel like he has gone. I have his ashes back,, a few people gave me flowers and so they are surrounding the little casket, the flowers are dying now, but still, nothing.

I loved him so much, he did so much for me. I have asd and some mental health issues, he helped me far more than any of the doctors or drugs etc, He was there for me constantly. We did everything together and he made me a far more confident person. I am not really a people person and Noodles was the best companion I could hope for.

I spent the past couple of years fixating on him dying - I could not get it out of my head and spent many hours crying thinking that one day he would be gone. Now he is and I don't seem to feel anything. It is like did not care about him although he was the most important thing in my life. I have tried so much to try to make my emotions work again, but still don;t feel anything. I took all his tablets back to the vet, phoned the insurance company, gave away one of his coats (although he did not wear that one as I shrunk it in the wash) I have read so much about people not being able to do these things for months. My boss said he expected me to be a mess for weeks. I cant work out why I feel nothing.

Hello there,
First of all I'm so sorry for your loss - the love you have for Noodles comes across so strongly from the words you have written, I can feel how much you cared about her and the strength of your bond.....
Grief is a very personal thing. When something happens which hits us so hard, the only way we can deal with it (subconsciously) is to go into 'protection' mode, and cocoon ourself from the emotional fall out of such an experience.
This happened to me when my nan died; I didn't feel upset, I pretty much carried on as usual. I even chose to stay at work, when I heard the news.
It was only much later on that I was able to engage with my emotions and start to feel the loss...
You are not "grieving wrong" at all. You have been hit very hard by your loss, and your brain/mind is doing its best to protect you by putting up a barrier to your emotions. It is a mixture of shock and a fear of being overwhelmed by your loss.
Please understand that how you are feeling is absolutely not wrong, in fact it is a very natural reaction.
When you feel ready, you will grieve but in your own way and own time. There are no time limits on the grieving process.
In the meantime, please keep in contact as there is so much support out there - on here, ad well as The Blue Cross which offers a fantastic, free pet bereavement service (see their website)
Take care
Love
Michelle xx

Seren, my heart goes out to you.
It sounds to me as if you are still in shock. This was the last thing you were expecting. As you say, you had a plan and there was no indication that you would lose him quite literally overnight. Anyone would be left reeling by losing a beloved companion so suddenly and it is perfectly normal for you to feel entirely numb for a little bit. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong or that you didn't love him.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The process is different for every person, and for every loss. As the numbness begins to wear off, and the reality begins to set in, there may be moments where the sadness takes you by surprise. You may even experience bouts of feeling quite angry. Again, it's normal. It takes time to come to a place of acceptance, so please be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel or not to feel- to be wherever you are in any given moment. Grief is a process and this numbness is just a part of it.
When the sadness comes, what helped me the most was remembering the good times. I'm sure you have loads of happy memories with Noodles.
I hope this helps in some small way. This forum helped me tremendously and everyone here will understand what you are going through.
I wish you peace. Hannah

Thank you, it is good to hear from other people, I have had this going through my head, but no one who would really understand. The people round me have been lovely, a guy I work with bought me a digital photo frame and put a lot of my photos from facebook on it, they have all been so thoughtful, but I feel like I have not shown enough emotion, it makes me seem like I really dont care.