Can't get over the guilt

Posted by: michelle storey Posts: 27 - Joined: Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:22 pm

#715 - by michelle storey >> Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:45 pm

I had to have my beautiful German Shepherd put to sleep on new years eve 2013. He had a disease called degenerative myelopathy, which basically means his nerves were dying from his back legs and would continue to total paralysis along his body. In the end I had to carry him as he couldn't walk and he began to lose control of his bowels etc. To make the decision to end his life is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To watch him die as the injection took effect broke my heart.
I keep thinking did I do it too soon? He still had some playfulness in him and loved his dinner. But the guilt I feel for letting him die is awful. This wonderful boy once saved my life and I ended his. He was the absolute love of my life. The bond we had was so strong and I just want him back. In fact if I had evidence that we are definitely reunited with our pets when we die, I think I would end mine just to be with him. Maybe it's a good job I'm a bit sceptical when it comes to
this idea.
I got the vet to come to my home to do it, and that wait was like waiting for an executioner to arrive, I know I must sound melodramatic, but he was my whole life. It's coming up to nearly a year since he went, and I don't feel any better, if anything I'm feeling worse. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, but there is not a pill invented that takes the pain away. I try to remember the happy times we had, but they make me sad too.
How does anyone ever get over this?
michelle storey
Posted by: julie king Posts: 14 - Joined: Sun Jun 22nd, 2014 09:33 am

#716 - by julie king >> Tue Nov 4th, 2014 05:02 pm

Hi Michelle. I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand your grief it really is natural. We pour all our love and devotion into our babies and expect nothing in return and once they are no longer with us the pain is excruciating. Please, I know it is really hard, try and remember that a vet wouldn't let your baby go to Rainbow Bridge unless they really thought it was the best thing. I understand about wanting to speed up the process about wanting to meet your baby at Rainbow Bridge. I felt the exact same when my baby boy was killed on the road outside my house. What I did was, like you take anti depressants (if yours aren't working, I strongly suggest going back to your doctor) , I also rang pet bereavement counsellors, and I channelled all my negative thoughts into positive ones by helping out, as much as can on every anti animal cruelty campaign/charity I could find. I wish you all the best Michelle. Sending massive hugs. Xxx
Posted by: Hazel McCausland Posts: 5 - Joined: Sun Oct 19th, 2014 08:54 pm

#717 - by Hazel McCausland >> Tue Nov 4th, 2014 06:15 pm

Hello Michelle. My thoughts are with you. I know how you are feeling. My beautiful cat died on 6th October 2014 under anesthetic during a routine dental. I wasn't with him and didn't get to say goodbye. Like yourself I have just been put on anti depressants. You give your beautiful boy complete love and it was the strength of this love that enabled you to make the decision at the right time. Your boy went to sleep at home with the person he loved. Hold on to this and your wonderful memories. Sending you hugs.

Posted by: michelle storey Posts: 27 - Joined: Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:22 pm

#718 - by michelle storey >> Tue Nov 11th, 2014 12:04 pm

Thank you for your support.
Julie strangely enough I have been channeling my grief into animal charities and trying to stop cruelty. Recently there was a TV programme about Vietnamese killing dogs for food. Personally I couldn't watch it, but I heard about it and the images I had gave me nightmares. So I have wrote to a few celebrities to try and help me get a stop to it. So far I've wrote to Paul McCartney, Joanna Lumley and Chrissie Hynde as they are supposed to be into animal rights. But nobody has replied to me. I don't suppose they will but at least I'm trying. Also in an ironic way, it kind of helps me with my grief, as Jake, my boy, never knew cruelty and lived a life that was oblivious to the suffering of other dogs and animals.
And Hazel, I'm so sorry about your cat. To lose him to a routine medical procedure must have been horrendous for you.
Our pets are our family (sometimes a lot better than the human ones!) I suppose all we want is for them to pass away peacefully in their sleep without us having to make the decision/phone call. That's what hurts, and trying to keep it together so they don't pick up on your emotions and panic. It's will be one year since he died on new years eve and I know I, for one, will not be celebrating. Many thanks to you both for your kind replies.
Michelle xx
michelle storey
Posted by: julie king Posts: 14 - Joined: Sun Jun 22nd, 2014 09:33 am

#719 - by julie king >> Tue Nov 11th, 2014 03:05 pm

Hi Michelle. Funny you should mention the Vietnamese dog meat trade. This is one I do act against. Look up Soi Dog Foundation. They are based in Thailand. Not only are they working relentlessly against the dog meat trade, but also against the cruelty to the street dogs and cats. They even do adoptions across the world.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Posted by: michelle storey Posts: 27 - Joined: Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:22 pm

#720 - by michelle storey >> Tue Nov 11th, 2014 03:18 pm

Thank you Julie I will look it up. It's breaks my heart what they are doing. Everyone I mention it to says "You will never stop it, it's their culture." But my reply is always "It used to be our culture to burn innocent women at the stake for suspecting them of being witches." Some things, whether they are considered cultural or tradition, need to be stopped, it doesn't make it right.
Thanks again Julie
Michelle xxx
michelle storey
Posted by: michelle storey Posts: 27 - Joined: Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:22 pm

#721 - by michelle storey >> Tue Nov 11th, 2014 03:28 pm

Hi Julie again
I've just been on the Soi dog site and have signed up to sponser a dog monthly. I hope it does some good.
Thanks again
michelle storey
Posted by: julie king Posts: 14 - Joined: Sun Jun 22nd, 2014 09:33 am

#722 - by julie king >> Tue Nov 11th, 2014 05:07 pm

Hi Michelle. Thats great news. They help hundreds of dogs and cats each month. I don't know whether you have Facebook. If you do you could like their page and you will see what they are doing. I donate each month. I share their stories and try and get flight volunteers to bring the adopted animals to their loving forever homes. As well as buy anti dog meat banners. They reward the Thai people for information so they can intercept vans carrying hundreds of dogs across the border. I know all this will not bring your beloved Jake back but im sure he will be proud of his mummy trying to help hundreds of his canine friends.

Huge hugs to you.

Posted by: michelle storey Posts: 27 - Joined: Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:22 pm

#723 - by michelle storey >> Tue Nov 11th, 2014 05:54 pm

Thanks Julie
I used to be on Facebook but got fed up of it. But might go back to it now if it will do some good regarding the dog meat issue. I wish I could adopt them all. If I won the lottery I definitely would! And yes, hopefully Jake would be proud bless him.
Hugs to you

michelle storey
Posted by: michelle storey Posts: 27 - Joined: Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:22 pm

#724 - by michelle storey >> Thu Nov 13th, 2014 11:22 am

Hi again Julie. I know this is off topic as this is for bereavement support, but in regards to the Soi site, which actually may help other people who are going through the grief of the loss of a beloved pet. I am seriously looking into adopting one and bringing it over here. It will take time as it's expensive but as the saying goes "A journey begins with one footstep." When I looked at the dogs up for adoption there is one with only half it's face due to an infection. It was found as a stray on the streets, and by the time Soi picked the dog up the infection had spread so much that they needed to remove a lot of the poor things face. It looks horrendous, but there's no pain. I'm on a mission now!
What baffles me is all these rich celebs who bang on about animal rights and have so much money yet don't do anything. If I was Paul McCartney I would have adopted loads of them, if not all. Talk is cheap I suppose.
What I'm unsure about is that it says cargo length and to the UK is 3-4 months. I will have to look into it.
If anyone is reading this who has just lost a pet, please look up Soi dog foundation, it wont take away the pain of losing your best friend, but there are so many animals out there that need love and have never known kindness. They deserve it they have done nothing wrong but be born in the wrong place.
thank you
Michelle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
michelle storey
Posted by: julie king Posts: 14 - Joined: Sun Jun 22nd, 2014 09:33 am

#725 - by julie king >> Thu Nov 13th, 2014 12:12 pm

Hi Michelle

I know what you mean. At the moment an unknown sponsor for Soi Dog is matching pound to pound all the animal sponsorships throughout the month of November. That is amazingly generous. Ah bless the poor little babies. It is horrific what most of them have to endure. Being hit with machetes. Being set on fire all because they beg the wrong person for food. I know it takes apx 4 months to bring an animal from Thailand to the UK. I know whatever they ask for covers absolutely everything and there is no quarantine this end. I think that's why it takes so long. All jabs and paperwork are taken care of by Soi Dog. They do amazing work. One of the co-founders, lost both her legs on a rescue. But that still hasn't stopped her. Soi have done a short documentary about it started etc. I watched it online.

If you do decide to adopt another furry baby that is great. One less out of a shelter into their loving forever home. I rescued 2 cats after I lost my Tokyo Boo to the road. I now have cat fencing, unfortunately I didn't know it existed until it was too late for my precious baby and I will have to live with that. But, My first was malnourished because of a horrendous food intolerance. He looked like a ferret on stilts. Pleased to say he now looks like a cat and his fur has grown 2 inches. The second was born in the sanctuary 18 months ago. She is super scared of people. We get a couple of seconds with her before she runs off behind the sofa. Eventually she will realise that we are her friends. I can't introduce her to Simba yet as her confidence is too low. But in time she will come round.

Hugs to you x

Posted by: Bryan Posts: 4 - Joined: Sat Dec 6th, 2014 03:39 pm

#742 - by Bryan >> Sat Dec 6th, 2014 08:41 pm

Michelle, thank you for your response to my post today. Your words mean so much to me and my wife. I have just read your own post and feel for you. We had to put our Golden Retriever to sleep 3 years ago, she reached the ripe old age of 15, even though she had been given only 6 months to live (cancer) four years earlier. Although we were sad that we had to let her go we knew it was the right thing to do because she was suffering. It sounds like your boy was too. Maybe you could have kept alive a bit longer but likely you would now be regretting that. Like you I'm a bit sceptical that we will meet them again in the afterlife. That makes it all the harder to deal with. If I was sure I would see them again then I think it would be so much easier to deal with. I am glad that you are getting some support and hope your heart mends soon- it takes a while to mend a large heart. our thoughts are with you
Posted by: michelle storey Posts: 27 - Joined: Tue Nov 4th, 2014 03:22 pm

#745 - by michelle storey >> Sun Dec 7th, 2014 12:16 pm

Thank you Bryan for your kind words considering you are grieving yourself. I love Golden Retrievers, such beautiful dogs. You did so well getting her to such a good age. I think we know when it's time to let our pets go, but it doesn't make it easier. I work as a nurse and have nursed many patients during end of life care. I have watched the pain killing drugs stop working, or make them worse. The amount of times I have heard a patient in severe pain say "They treat animals better, at least they can be put to sleep." It's not for me to get in to the ethical debate about the right to die. But we don't allow our animal family to suffer pain or distress and euthanasia which means 'Good Death' is the ultimate kindness we can give our pets. That doesn't make it easier to do, but when there's no treatment and the prognosis is suffering, what else can we do? I think losing Henry and Annie so close together and so suddenly is so sad. But as I said, you will still be in shock. And don't ever go through the "what ifs" or "If onlys." remember how much love you gave them and how happy they were while with you.
Lots of love and condolences to you and your wife.
michelle storey

You need to log in or register to use this part of the website.