So guilty over how it all ended :(

Posted by: missingmykitty Posts: 1 - Joined: Wed Mar 27th, 2019 06:57 pm

#1266 - by missingmykitty >> Wed Mar 27th, 2019 11:47 pm

On Monday morning my 15 year old cat Kitty woke me as usual at about 6am to eat. The Previous 3 months had been hard. She had stopped eating at the end of December and after 2 months of testing, food changes and medication the vet determined she had heart disease. I was doing my best to give her medication to help her, but she didn’t accept it in her food, was so difficult to get her to be pilled, and so we actually had an appointment that Monday to consider doing it via injections. Her heart disease often caused her to lose her appetite so I was happy she was hungry enough to wake me up that day. Shortly after 6am she let out a horrible howl. When both my husband and I came to her side she seemed okay… she was sitting, not howling and my husband pet her to comfort her until she laid down. I knew the howl meant something, but she seemed okay at that point. I got up to see how much she ate and I could hear her following behind me which was odd. When I turned back she was walking funny and didn’t seem to have full control of her hind legs. I feared something was wrong and called the on call vet service for our area. Unfortunately the clinic on call was not my vet clinic and I feel like this impacted the advice I was given as it was hard to bring them fully up to speed on her history in 5 minutes. The vet believed her lungs were filling with fluid (and was impacting the oxygen her legs were getting) after I explained I was having issues getting her Furosemide into her since Saturday. The vet said if I got it into her I should see a significant improvement within the half hour and to call back in 30 minutes. This is my first regret. I can’t believe I waited to call back, but I guess I trusted the vet. Unfortunately she went downhill. The waiting and watching her struggle was agony. She would cry out in pain, and was trying to find somewhere to hide. She could no longer move her hind legs and they just dragged behind her. But I guess I was still holding on to hope of seeing her improve and thought the medication would start to kick in. I called the vet back around the 25 minute mark and was hysterical. My poor beloved girl was in so much pain and was having such a hard time breathing. At that point I begged the vet to see us. I knew she was dying and couldn’t stand she was suffering so much to breath and kept looking at me to help her. Looking back, I was also pacing this whole time and wish I had noticed. My girl was trying to follow me and I should have just laid on the floor with her and tried to calm her anxiety. The earliest the vet was able to meet us was in 20 minutes and it was still before regular clinic hours. Kitty was unresponsive by the time I got her in the car and I could hear the fluid in her lungs as she gasped for air. She also was trying to scramble out of the front seat, likely to find somewhere dark to die. I have so many regrets. I regret not taking her in immediately when I called the vet. At the back of my mind I worried this was maybe indication she was dying. I regret not holding her more while she was suffering and the fact I didn’t hug or kiss her goodbye when she was still responsive. I regret pacing and not being with her in her time of need. I regret being selfish and not being ready yet to consider putting her down while she still was herself and didn’t’ have to suffer the way she did. I can’t forgive myself that her last hour on this planet with so terrible for her. She and I shared such a special bond that I feel like I failed her for putting my needs of needing her around above hers, and that resulted in such a terrible end. The vet now believes she had a saddle thrombosis from a blood clot that had let go. I can’t help but replay the last hour over and over in my head and blame myself for her agony. I know I couldn’t’ have prevented the clot, but I could have made different decisions to help end her suffering sooner, and care for her and love her more in that hour rather than be panicking and pacing around the room.

Kitty, you were a phenomenal companion and friend. You saw me through so many life events and were always there for me. I know you knew you were loved, and had a good life, but I’m so incredibly sorry your last hour was so painful and scary for you. I will miss you, will love you forever, and will always carry you in my heart. You were definitely one of a kind and queen of our house. I loved how you always got up to greet us at the door, and always wanted to snuggle. It was so nice knowing you were always sleeping up near my head at night, and sometimes on your own pillow. I love you so much. I hope you are at peace and can forgive me. We will meet again.

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