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Two days ago I had my beloved spaniel Samuel put to sleep after thirteen years of loving companionship. He was re-homed to me when he was nine months old because he was too much of a handful for his previous owners. Sadly they had left him in kennels for two months before being persuaded that he should be given up for re-homing, so I never once put him in kennels throughout his life with me. In fact we were rarely separated. He saw me through some major upheavals in my life, including the death of my father and a big change in my circumstances and location. He was the only witness I had to what I have experienced over the past thirteen years. I suppose in fact he was my primary relationship for thirteen years. The bond between us was so strong, his devotion to me so absolute, that I have underestimated just how devastating I am finding his loss. Part of my reason for writing on this forum is my sense that few of my family or friends really understand the depth or reasons for my grief. Some people have offered condolences and one friend gave me a beautiful bunch of wild flowers but mostly there hasn't been the recognition (such as cards) that you get when a member of your family dies - and Samuel was my family. I feel so lost without him: we shared so much of ourselves with each other I almost don't know who I am without him. I spent far more time with him than I did with other people. I have good friends but I now feel so lonely, and scared to be alone in the house I shared with Samuel. I miss the touch and smell of him: I long to stroke fur and a velvet nose and silky ears. I ache for him and I'm also angry with him for leaving me. Memories of him and of our times together keep flooding me and one minute I'm full of gratitude for the fun and joy we had together and the next minute I'm devastated by the silence and emptiness of my living space without him. I have no regrets about putting him to sleep: it was the right decision for him and his passing was peaceful and easy as I held him lying on the carpet in our home. I am waiting now for his ashes to be returned to me so I can scatter them on the wild open spaces where we used to roam when he was younger. I feel no need of a permanent memorial but I wanted his mortal remains to be treated with respect and for there to be a ceremony to mark his leaving his mortal life behind. Occasionally I feel his spiritual presence with me but at the moment I mostly just want him back the way things were. My world has changed and I didn't ask for this. I know I will move through this but right now the pain hits me in waves and I am shocked and disorientated to discover just how extreme my reactions are. I cannot imagine life without a doggy companion but my circumstances now mean that it could be many, many years before I might be in a position to have another dog. That thought fills me with horror: I don't feel complete without a dog. Thankfully I have little work this week but next week I will have to metaphorically speaking hit the ground running again. I don't want things to speed back up again so that I have to tidy away my grief and pretend I have gotten over putting my dog to sleep. I don't want to dishonour Samuel by getting on with life as if he never mattered. He shaped and formed my life for so many years that perhaps I'm only now realizing just how much he changed my life and who I am. It is just so dammed hard to contemplate a life without him!

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. Reading your post was like reading my own story although I'm a year down the line. I too lost a Spaniel, Basil, who was my entire world. He was a rescue dog too and bizarrely I rescued him at nine months because his previous owners couldn't cope with his chewing. I can't describe my love for Basil, there just aren't any words to do it justice. You're absolutely right in what you said, friends and family could not understand how I felt when I lost him either, people at work were the worst. I had to take leave as the thought of pretending I was ok was too much, people looked at me as if to say "get a grip, it was just a dog". Like you, Basil got me through so much, he gave me a reason to get up in the morning during the worst times, he was my constant little shadow. I never went anywhere without him, he never judged me and was the only man who didn't care what I looked like or what clothes I was wearing!! Basil started with a cough last Sep (11 years) and was diagnosed with a tumour, the hospital were confident that they could remove the tumour and with chemo he had a good chance. He died on the operating table when the tumour became stuck in his windpipe. It was such a shock, I was not prepared for this, I didn't get to say to goodbye. My local vet were amazing and sent a lovely bouquet of flowers but like you, nothing else from family or friends. People didn't accept my grief was just as real as losing a human and I just bottled it up as people aren't interested. I'd love to tell you that time heals but as I mentioned earlier I'm a year down the line. His anniversary was a few months ago and it was awful, it was like losing him again. I haven't been able to get rid of any of his things and I still can't bring myself to scatter his ashes which I know I must. I think what I'm trying to say is that, I completely understand what you are going through. I can't offer you words of comfort because I couldn't find any for myself but knowing there is someone else out there, like so many other people here in the Ralph Site, who loved their dog as much as me was my only consolation, it was my only "safe" place. My heart goes out to you x

Charlie, thank you so much for sharing the story of your wonderful Basil. I'm so sorry he was taken from you in such a traumatic way. I'm not sure it's ever possible to be comforted when the loss is so great but yes, I too needed to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this pain and that I'm not mad for feeling it! x