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Yesterday John the dog who has been my friend for 16 years was put to sleep.

The vet came to my house as he did when my old GSD had to go (different vet) so I thought I knew what to expect.

Poor old John staggered to his feet to welcome the vet who put down his case and took out the razor to shave John's leg. At this point John started to cry and struggle and I should have shouted STOP but I didn't. By now it took 2 of us to hold him while the vet injected the lethal stuff and after what seemed like ages John gave up.

I am devastated that I've let down and betrayed my friend who followed me everywhere, he died frightened and in pain and I shouldn't have let him.

When my GSD went I'm sure the vet gave him a pre med injection to make sure he was calm before he shaved his leg and I should have made sure I knew what was going to happen this time.

Yes I miss him dreadfully but the thing I can't get over is not standing up for him at the end. My GSD went very peacefully and I felt calm but sad afterwards. This time I am devastated.

I know I'll eventually get over this awful guilt but it's pretty hard to deal with just now although I'm trying to carry on as normal and I know I'll very soon be looking for a new dog to rescue to keep the lovely Ella company.

I think it's helped just to write all this down.

Thank you.

Joanna

Hi Joanna, I am so sorry for your loss. Glad it seems to help to write it down, I know it has helped me to have somewhere to express things. I really feel for you going over these few minutes in your mind, it must have been really hard to think straight, and do what you "normally" would have done or said. If it is any help, I had similar feelings about the care of my cat when she was ill, just before she was PTS, the shoulds, coulds and ought to have. Although in reality I did what was best or what I could at the time and I am sure you did too. I hope that these feelings subside for you soon and you will remember the care and love you gave him.
Sally

From our Facebook page:

"Awful. What can i say. I can say treasure the memories and the love u had/have for john but i know the trauma you had will overshadow this at the moment. You wanted it to be different. Standing up to the vet was probably impossible as you ...were very sad and distraught. Just remember you gave everything to john during his life. I know these words won't comfort you at the moment. Try and think of a happy memory when the thoughts of the trauma come to you. I feel for you so much. X" (Liz)

Dear Sally and Liz

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and words. I do feel a bit better now as I knew I would but the next time I have to do this, and there are always next times if you have pets, I will go and talk to the vet first and find out exactly how they would do it and who would do it. I just assumed it would be done as peacefully and efficiently as the last time but now I know that you can't assume anything. There was no doubt in my mind that John was ready to go but I still feel angry and upset with the vet. He told my husband on his way out that he'd had a bad day so maybe he doesn't deserve my anger but you have to direct these feelings somewhere. They are subsiding now and I'm able to laugh at the good times and fun we had with John.

Thank you so much to the Ralph Site for giving me and others a place to express our sadness and find support and sympathy in return.

Joanna

Dear Joanna,

I am very glad that you are starting to feel at least a little better and sorry that John and your family had such a harrowing experience at the end. As a vet who has sadly had to perform this procedure many times, I imagine the vet would have felt terrible inside too, clearly not as distressed as John or you but we really do hope never to have to put a patient to sleep in these sorts of circumstances. As I describe under 'euthanasia' in the page called 'the process' not all animals are sedated prior to being given the anaesthetic overdose but personally I would prefer to always place a catheter into the vein first. Once the catheter is in place the whole thing can be done in a more relaxed way for everyone involved. It does mean the whole process takes a bit longer though and some practices will charge extra for the catheter. Certainly I have sedated some animals where either their carer specifically requested it or their demeanour suggested that this would be the best thing to do. So I think your plan to discuss this with your vet in the future when the time arises again is spot on and together you can hopefully make the best decision for the individual furry friend in question.

Take care.

Dear Joanna
I am glad to hear your feeling a bit better, I am so sorry to hear what happened with John, I don't know if it would help you to hear of my experience but you may find it does to be in the knowledge that your not on your own.
I also had a very similar experience when my little man Finlie had to be PTS, he was my youngest black Labrador so special to me I miss him so much, he got ill last year and after a valiant attempt by the vet to save him, his body gave up and he became very ill, the vet advised me that if he was her dog she would let him go with dignity! My experience was like yours he struggled, and cried when the vet eventually got the needle in his arm, all the while he had his head burried into my chest. The vet explained to me after he had passed that he was so ill that his veins had collapsed. I have had several conversations with the vets as I was also very upset! Surely the vet could have guessed that this may have happened and should have put a cathater in to ease the process, I asked about sedation on the day and my vets wouldn't do it, telling me that it's not always the best way, I wish I had stuck to my decision.
This experience left me filled with grief and guilt, so much so, it hurts today just as much as the day we lost our little man, the only positive outcome was that it did however, help prepare me for the day that I would lose my older dogs, Sophie and Charlie, unfortunately I lost them both within 2 weeks of each other in February this year, I requested a cathater for both of them, both of their passings to Rainbow Bridge was peaceful, the vet did struggle to get the cathater into to Sophie, again she was very ill to cancer, so I was very glad that the cathater had been used as it allowed her to pass in the end in peace.
I would always recommend a cathater after my experience with my little man Finlie (big black boy) my older girls passed in a peaceful respectful way with the dignity that they deserved, I am just sorry that the vet didn't do this with Finlie, I think it should be made a policy to either sedate or cathater all animals before they are PTS.
Hope each day gets easier, take care.
Jenny

Dear Jenny
Thank you, it helps to know I'm not alone.

In the beginning I felt very angry and upset and one or 2 people said that I should complain to the vet but then I thought no, what good would it do, I know for next time. Recently though I've decided that when I go to pay the bill I'll ask to speak to someone and express my concerns about the way John was PTS. It could help prevent another pet and person going through the same thing. I think the vet should discuss with the owner before they carry out euthanasia, about how it's going to be done and perhaps give you a leaflet to read when you make the appointment.

I have to get over it now and in a couple of weeks i'll keep my eye open for another dog that needs a good home and a fun life.

Thank you all, and thanks for setting up this site. Cheers Ralph and watch out for John!