Can't cope with guilt. I'm a bad person

Posted by: Michelle Ball Posts: 66 - Joined:

#1131 - by Michelle Ball >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 01:48 pm

I had my beautiful cat Eddie put to sleep Monday night. He was nearly 16 years old and I just can't get over how horrible I was to him in the last couple of years of his life.
I was snappy with Eddie, constantly pushing him out of the way if he continually tried to climb up my arm. I shouted at his meowing, I told him he was greedy and found I was very stressed dealing with his health issues including dementia and incontinence.
I am much more lenient with my 2 young boys. Why do I let them do things but I shouted at Eddie not to do.
I remember on several occasions pushing Eddie hard of the worktop and he developed a limo for 2 days. And on another occasion, I was lying on my bed, and he kept climbing over me, so I grabbed him by the front paw and pulled him towards me. Again this caused him to have a limo for several days.
I hate myself so much for being so consistently vile and impatient. All Eddie wanted to do was show me love and affection all the time. Why was I so hideous towards him. Why did I not react to my young 2 cats in this way.
I realise just how dreadful I've been and I hate myself.
When he became incontinent why didn't I go to the vets quicker, or go regarding his dementia?
Posted by: [member removed] Posts: [n/a] - Joined: [n/a]

#1132 - by [member removed] >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 02:39 pm

Sorry to hear of your loss. You have to forgive yourself, sometimes we can't handle this change we see in our animals and I do believe it can make us upset where we don't act like we normally do. I have lost a lot of dogs through the years. My last was Kendall, in Jan 31 2017. I learned to accept through the years that this is part of life. Hard to understand Hard to take but it is. Sorry your feeling so much guilt. But please let go and know your Eddie didn't hold any bad feelings. We all are just human and are so imperfect at times. I learned with each animal I got and lost through the years how to be better and more accepting or them and myself. So please try and let go of this guilt, guilt is not a productive feeling. Its a learning feeling, I believe. So I pray you will get past this, our feelings effect our whole body, and our family is effected also. I always had to have a new pet once one died to help feel that sadness. I didn't get one this time because I have 2 more older shih tzus age 11. So I know one day I will walk that path again and again. But my pets have made my life so much happier. So remember the good times you had with Eddie. So Please let go and learn and go forward and above all Forgive yourself. Take care.
Posted by: [member removed] Posts: [n/a] - Joined: [n/a]

#1134 - by [member removed] >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 02:49 pm

I thought this was a support group, not a kick someone down group when they make a mistake. Michelle try to overlook the post that are hurtful.
Posted by: Michelle Ball Posts: 66 - Joined:

#1136 - by Michelle Ball >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 03:10 pm

Thank-you KenAngTri.
Your words have helped a lot. I loved Eddie very much but sometimes I found it very difficult coping with things. Your kind words mean a lot
Michelle xx
Posted by: Penny Hudson Posts: 155 - Joined: Tue Mar 13th, 2012 03:35 pm

#1137 - by Penny Hudson >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 03:45 pm

So sorry Michelle for the loss of dear Eddie ; try to put those feelings behind you and remember the lovely times you had with Eddie. Grief brings on lots of thoughts and feelings, so take care and think about the love you shared. Penny xxxxxx
Posted by: Michelle Ball Posts: 66 - Joined:

#1138 - by Michelle Ball >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 05:18 pm

Hello Penny
I'm so glad you've been in contact on here. I feel so depressed....
You and KenAngTri's support is helping get me through. I never deliberately meant to cause harm or injury but I'm obsessed with the 2 incidents I mentioned and I just keep going over and and over them in my head.
I love Eddie so much and he would curl up with in bed but I just can't stop thinking I'm such a bad person for the times I shouted, was stern, told him to get down, pushed him off the bed when he went to urinate. It's all dominating my thoughts. I want him to know how much I love him and to forgive me for the times I was stressed and horrible love Michelle xxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by: Penny Hudson Posts: 155 - Joined: Tue Mar 13th, 2012 03:35 pm

#1139 - by Penny Hudson >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 05:40 pm

Something suggested to me once Michelle was to write a letter saying how you feel; address it to Eddie, and put it away somewhere; tell him how much you loved him, and tell him how you are feeling. It does help to release your feelings; tell him how you are worrying about certain times when you were cross with him; and how much you regret it. You can put the letter away or destroy it, but it helps to release the anxiety you are feeling. Give it a try XX Penny xx
Posted by: eviemay Posts: 27 - Joined: Thu Sep 29th, 2016 02:44 pm

#1140 - by eviemay >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 08:18 pm

hi Michelle i am so sorry for your the loss of your beloved cat Eddie i haven't been able to talk on here to others because i myself was still going through grief part of that is feeling guilty i felt i could of been more careful. maybe not let her out so much .what i am trying to say is you felt guilty yes for the way you was with Eddie. it seems like to me you was stressed like you said and maybe you just couldn't cope with his health issues at that time. we all have done things we regret and wished we didn't act like that but hey we are human.this shows to me how much you loved Eddie because of the way you are feeling now.remember you had him for 16 years i envy you for that my Evie was only 5 and a half when she died. and you looked after him and loved him all this time ok you had a few down times along the way but he sure knew how much you cared for him and loved him, you have nothing to feel guilty about you was a good mum to him just think of all the many lovely years you had with him .what ever makes you feel better Michelle write him a letter like penny said telling him how you feel .I am a Christian and God has helped me through my grief i couldn't of got this far otherwise i prayed to God telling him how sorry i was and i felt i let Evie down and to tell her i am sorry and how much i love her and always will; i went to church and light a candle for her and everyday i pray for her to be in heaven so we will see each other again one day this is my faith my beliefs you do what helps you, you will find it i promise you that. you will never forget Eddie but the pain will get easier but it takes time but you must stop feeling horrible about yourself because as i said you are a good cat mum .for me its easier but i still feel sad and miss her so much i dont feel in my heart i will ever completely be over her but i am so much better than what i was feeling. You will too give it time remember find what helps you. also the blue cross pet bereavement are a great help .I am here for you if you need me God bless debbie xxx
d patrick
Posted by: Barbara Posts: 4 - Joined: Mon Jan 9th, 2017 11:00 pm

#1141 - by Barbara >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 10:24 pm

Michelle, I am so sorry you are going thru such sorrow right now. It is hard sometimes when dealing with q sick animal. You are scared, wondering about what the future holds. We are human and sometimes we don't have the patience we would like to have.. As far as guilt we all have that,thinking there maybe was something we could have done, or feeling we should have had more patience. Guilt and grief are very hard to go through. I think Penny has a great idea write things down. Write to Eddie tell him you love and miss him and tell him you wish things could have been better. When you alone talk to Eddie. I lost my heart dog Katie last year and it still hurts terribly. I do talk to her all the time, from the moment I get up until falling asleep at night. There are times I feel her by me. I believe their souls come and check on us when we need them. The first thing you have to do is forgive yourself. Animals are forgiving because they are pure love. I am sure Eddie will forgive you. You came to a wonderful place if you are seeking help from the loss of your pet. Someone always here if you need to talk. They helped me so much and now it is my turn to help others. Take care of yourself. If you need me i'm here ti talk. Barbara
Barbara Nunnemache
Posted by: Michelle Ball Posts: 66 - Joined:

#1142 - by Michelle Ball >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 10:32 pm

Hello Penny and Debbie

First of all thank you both so much, I cannot tell you in words how much it's helping. I feel so alone right now, I feel I am a vile person to everyone and everything I love the most. It is an all consuming feeling I just can't escape from.
I think your idea is lovely penny. Yes I will write a letter to my Eddie. I'm not sure but maybe I'll put it in his urn. I just don't want him to think in the spiritual world that his mummy didn't love him as much as his brothers. He was the most gentle natured loving cat I've ever had. He never scratched or bit or got a bit rough. I can't bear the thought of him feeling turned away or ignored or rejected. It's eating me up.
Thank you Debbie for your wonderful, thoughtful words. I said a prayer for Eddie just before the vet sent him to sleep. What a wonderful thing to do to light a candle for your beloved Evie - I find this a beautiful sentiment. I'm so so sorry you had her for such a short time but the intensity of the love you have for her really shines through, as it does when Penny talks about her gorgeous and much missed Toffee.
Thank you so much again, I am trying to fight these feelings and nobody I know understands
Love to you both
Michelle xxxx
Posted by: Michelle Ball Posts: 66 - Joined:

#1143 - by Michelle Ball >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 10:39 pm

Hello Barbara
I've just read your lovely, compassionate words. I'm so very very sorry to hear of the passing of your beautiful Katie. I can tell from your words just how much she means to you, and like you I believe animals have spirits and go on to live in the spirit world.
You, along with the other wonderful people who have written on here are really helping me try and get through this. It means more than I can say
Michelle xxxx
Posted by: Penny Hudson Posts: 155 - Joined: Tue Mar 13th, 2012 03:35 pm

#1144 - by Penny Hudson >> Thu Mar 2nd, 2017 11:01 pm

Dear Michelle, We will give you all the support we can; always here for you; take care and take a day at a time. Love and Hugs, Penny XX
Posted by: eviemay Posts: 27 - Joined: Thu Sep 29th, 2016 02:44 pm

#1145 - by eviemay >> Fri Mar 3rd, 2017 02:08 am

dear Michelle i am so pleased our words are helping you writing the letter to your beloved Eddie is a good idea i told you that you would find a way what helps you ,please dont think you are a vile person to everyone .
i thought like that that people was thinking is was my fault but it is the guilt making you feel this way it was only many months later that i realised that people saying it wasn't my fault you loved her and did your best for her that it finally sunk in there is people that understand what your going through your not alone i promise you . yes lighting the candle for Evie in church it is beautiful and is something i do regular as for praying too everyday .i feel she is with me and always will be. i will be here for you Michelle if you need me you was here for me when Evie died i was in a terrible dark place Michelle i said to God i wished it was me and not her that's how bad i felt i honestly would not of got out of this without Gods help its made my faith stronger and i am now have come into the light and have peace in my life . love to you and God bless Debbie xxxx
d patrick
Posted by: Michelle Ball Posts: 66 - Joined:

#1149 - by Michelle Ball >> Mon Mar 6th, 2017 03:37 am

Dearest Penny, Barbara, and Debbie
I've just been reading your very kind compassionate words again, thank you so much. I'm struggling but taking days one by one. My mood low then angry then that awful intense guilt.
I'm waiting for Eddie's ashes to be returned to me, which is going to be a very emotionally difficult day. At the same time, I just want him here with me, to put next to his 'brother' Big Fella.
I can't get over that I feel I took Eddie for granted. I just keep going over and over lots of things where I didn't give him enough attention, or put my other cats first. I feel I've favoured some of my cats over others e.g I let my 2 youngest lay in my wardrobe l but my older boys weren't allowed.
My youngest 2 get away with things I'd never let my eldest 2 do, I can't bring myself to tell off the youngsters so why treat Eddie and his brother different?
Michelle xxxx
Posted by: Penny Hudson Posts: 155 - Joined: Tue Mar 13th, 2012 03:35 pm

#1150 - by Penny Hudson >> Mon Mar 6th, 2017 07:05 am

Dear Michelle, Please don't feel you took Eddie for granted; you are going over and over things that at the time was just part of having had several cats; they all had individual ways and sometimes some would have needed more attention than others Eddie knew he was loved . I have had 3 cats and have probably treated them all differently; they all have different personalities and different ways ; you obviously are a cat lover and Eddie was loved by you and he knew it. You will feel better I am sure when his ashes are home with you; talk to him and tell him how you feel; he will be with his big brother Big Fella and you will all be together again. Take each day at a time dear Michelle; I feel your pain; take care; chat again XXXX Penny

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