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it's been over a decade since my cat Tan~o died. I'm not clear how current this forum is. I'm going to post anyway bc it helps to get it out. I haven't really talked about it with not even my therapist. Anyway, bottom line, i feel responsible. I blew some smoke into his face once or twice around a year before he died. i'm convinced that i gave him cancer. also, with my vets ok, and bc of my low income, i decided to do physicals only once a year. i don't know how long i did that. he was always very healthy. he died at age 20. yes it was old age but i believe i let him suffer for too long bc i was distracted with a new relationship. the classic, for a boy stupidity. i wish i had paid more attention to him hiding his head under a pillow, did i also ignore the lump that was growing on his back?? until it was so obvious when i gave him his subq fluids that last night. i called the vet and they got me in right away. it was cancer. i recall the vet saying, i shouldn't have let you wait for a year. i had to wait hours before they let me know about the cancer that was too advanced. i stayed in the neighborhood waiting to hear. the vet was in another suburb of LA so i wasn't going to leave him. i had to stay near. i had him euthanized/killed, let's call it for what it is... now over a decade later i still sob and can't see anyway out of feeling like i betrayed him, abandoned him, let him suffer alone! it took me a long time to even be able to cry about this. i think i was in shock and had so much guilt, shame, sorrow... obviously i still feel all that, but time has allowed me to at least start feeling, getting it out...? that's all i can say for now. i have a dog now, Luna, I'm more careful to not make the same mistakes, not letting distractions and a boy keep me from loving and caring for her 110%. if anyone is out there, thanks for reading...